The Importance of Healthy Disagreements

How Conflict Can Help You Grow and Strengthen Your Relationship

Before we begin, let’s get one thing out of the way. Conflict and disagreements are normal. As uncomfortable as they are, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed and it definitely doesn’t mean that either of you are to blame. When you love someone, the possibility of conflict can feel scary and nerve-wracking. Oftentimes, we avoid conflict because we are afraid of our uncomfortable feelings. Yet, as much as we love our partners, disagreements will naturally come up because that’s what happens when two people commit to each other in a long term relationship. No two people are ever the same and with time, we might even change our perspectives on things from the past. Changing and adjusting is a requisite for a healthy partnership that grows through new stages and transitions along its relationship journey.  

Why Conflicts are Necessary for Healthy Relationships

If we can put aside the tension and pain these moments cause and look at our disagreements with a little more objectivity, we will see that they actually tell a meaningful story. Under the arguing, silent treatments, or eye rolls, arguments tell the story of our expectations, needs, and desires that were not met. And to communicate these feelings to our partner is actually a vehicle for growth and connectivity. 

Of course it’s not always that simple. Because when you don’t share the same opinion as the person you share a life with… or when you didn’t intend to hurt someone but it happened anyway… or when two things can be true at the same time… disagreements are anything but objective.

Under the arguing, silent treatments, or eye rolls, arguments tell the story of our expectations, needs, and desires that were not met.

The upside? The more we learn how to navigate these discussions and the more we practice how we communicate with one another, conflict can begin to feel less scary over time. Most of us just need a little help getting started and staying the course when the first attempt of trying something new feels uncomfortable. 

Our team finds that when our clients understand more about how their disagreements can actually be healthy for their relationship, the inevitable discomfort becomes more tolerable; and they are better able to work toward meaningful resolution. We hope the same proves true for you.

image 15

Reason 1: Conflict can be an avenue for relationship growth.  

Let’s take a second to reframe disagreements as an avenue for growth instead of the first sign of an impending breakup. When we shift our perspective, we can see how they can actually serve as an opportunity to learn more about your partner. 

Disagreements can sometimes stem from opposing values, morals, and opinions. When we slow down and break free of trying to figure out who’s right vs. who’s wrong, we can increase our understanding of our partner and learn more about their thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it is less about whose turn it is to wash the dishes that week and more about feeling like your efforts to care for the home go unnoticed. As we learn more about the values our partners hold, empathy and understanding will naturally follow.

image 13

Reason 2: Disagreements Now Can Prevent Resentment Later.  

Even if it’s not intentional, avoiding conflict can lead to resentment. Sure, we avoid it because we don’t want to experience discomfort, but that doesn’t mean the issue will go away automatically. 

Let’s say that finances have been uncomfortable to talk about. Whether it’s about who will handle the bills or how much money should be spent on a vacation, these feelings of uneasiness might tell us it’s better to push the problem for another day. While every marriage or long-term partnership needs to “choose its battles,” we also can’t sweep everything uncomfortable under the rug. When we use this strategy for every conflict, we might miss an opportunity to connect or get on the same page. We also might confuse “my feelings aren’t as intense” with “I’m over this issue.” 

With practice, being honest about your feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable, becomes less of an effort and more of your norm in the relationship. 

But when we confuse these ideas, we can be left with a problem that continues, feelings that build, and unspoken thoughts showing up as anger. Whether it’s with a snide remark about something unrelated or pulling away from your partner when they reach for your hand, it can be confusing because the real problem may be a discussion that has not happened yet. On the other hand, if we are being honest about our feelings, what is bothering us, and why something bothers us, we interrupt this process of building resentment and allow for healthy communication. With practice, this becomes less of an effort and more of your norm in the relationship. 

image 14

Reason 3: In any relationship there is space to agree to disagree. 

You might have heard from your friends, social media, or even your family members, that a great partner is one that “completes” you and you should both be aligned on every aspect of life. I’m here to tell you that as beautiful as that sounds, it can’t be further from the truth. A healthy, loving connection isn’t about two people making each other whole; it’s about two people learning to share their lives and make room for each other without losing who they are individually. When we begin to incorporate this mentality into relationships, we create a space where love can truly grow and prosper without losing sight of who you were before the relationship started. 

Of course, that is sometimes easier said than done. A great first step is to simply acknowledge that part of being in a loving and connected partnership involves some level of disagreement. When you have two different individuals who love and respect each other, the goal is not to complete each other, but to complement each other. In Psychology, we call this interdependence. 

Interdependence allows us to have our own interests, our own identity, and still support our partner so that we can find balance between the “me” and the “we” of partnership. 

In any healthy and happy relationship, we are speaking up for our own needs and being transparent about how we like to receive love and gratitude while listening with an open mind and practicing empathy and patience. At the same time, we are ensuring that we make the effort to meet our partner’s needs too. This way, we continue to grow as an individual, form our own thoughts, while we make space to hear what our partner’s viewpoints are too.

So what does this actually look like? You might be someone who likes alone time after work hours to decompress from the day, to slow down before the evening’s routine. Instead of expecting your partner to read your mind and know automatically that you need some “me time”, try telling your partner that you love them and love quality time with them. *And* you also need an hour to unwind after work. Acknowledging and communicating your own needs, respectively, allows you to be more present for them when it’s we time again.

Interdependence allows us to have our own interests, our own identity, and still support our partner so that we can find balance between the “me” and the “we” of partnership. 

When we stop viewing everyday disagreements as a failure in our relationship, disagreements begin to feel like less of a fight and some of that discomfort starts to slip away. Instead, they feel more like a bump in the road, something inevitable… and not something that can derail everything that the two of you have been building. 

When you get stuck, remind yourself that you and your partner are teammates, not opponents. Remember to keep an open mind as your partner shares needs and listening with love and patience. Pause and refocus on the bigger picture. You may find that this pause is when those uncomfortable emotions start to bubble up. That’s when we want you to challenge yourself to sit and reflect instead of ignoring them. Some questions you can ask yourself:

  • What information am I missing here?
  • How can I help my partner feel heard?
  • Where did I learn that conflict should be avoided?

We can all agree that no one likes to argue and certainly, no one likes to feel bad afterwards. Even though we’ve explored these three reasons and have begun to understand how disagreements can benefit our relationship, the understanding does not negate the discomfort and both can be true at the same time. In order to move forward, we must listen with an open mind, speak to our partners with respect, and practice both patience and empathy. With enough practice, we can reach a place where desires and feelings are verbalized, and partners within a relationship feel valued. 

Understanding the purpose of disagreements can be one thing, but the skill of sitting with the discomfort long enough to see progress takes practice. And we love to support our clients and couples with this process.

AisleTalk offers therapy and coaching for your relationship’s biggest moments — from breakups and new beginnings to wedding stress, premarital conversations, and the everyday work of balancing family, life, love, and loss. Even the most meaningful seasons can carry unexpected strain.

If you’d like more support in understanding relational cycles, conflict resolution, and getting a little more comfortable with the uncomfortable, we invite you to book a free intro call with our team to learn more about working together.

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Kaylyn Sarmiento

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The Importance of Healthy Disagreements

How Conflict Can Help You Grow and Strengthen Your Relationship

Before we begin, let’s get one thing out of the way. Conflict and disagreements are normal. As uncomfortable as they are, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed and it definitely doesn’t mean that either of you are to blame. When you love someone, the possibility of conflict can feel scary and nerve-wracking. Oftentimes, we avoid conflict because we are afraid of our uncomfortable feelings. Yet, as much as we love our partners, disagreements will naturally come up because that’s what happens when two people commit to each other in a long term relationship. No two people are ever the same and with time, we might even change our perspectives on things from the past. Changing and adjusting is a requisite for a healthy partnership that grows through new stages and transitions along its relationship journey.  

Why Conflicts are Necessary for Healthy Relationships

If we can put aside the tension and pain these moments cause and look at our disagreements with a little more objectivity, we will see that they actually tell a meaningful story. Under the arguing, silent treatments, or eye rolls, arguments tell the story of our expectations, needs, and desires that were not met. And to communicate these feelings to our partner is actually a vehicle for growth and connectivity. 

Of course it’s not always that simple. Because when you don’t share the same opinion as the person you share a life with… or when you didn’t intend to hurt someone but it happened anyway… or when two things can be true at the same time… disagreements are anything but objective.

Under the arguing, silent treatments, or eye rolls, arguments tell the story of our expectations, needs, and desires that were not met.

The upside? The more we learn how to navigate these discussions and the more we practice how we communicate with one another, conflict can begin to feel less scary over time. Most of us just need a little help getting started and staying the course when the first attempt of trying something new feels uncomfortable. 

Our team finds that when our clients understand more about how their disagreements can actually be healthy for their relationship, the inevitable discomfort becomes more tolerable; and they are better able to work toward meaningful resolution. We hope the same proves true for you.

image 15

Reason 1: Conflict can be an avenue for relationship growth.  

Let’s take a second to reframe disagreements as an avenue for growth instead of the first sign of an impending breakup. When we shift our perspective, we can see how they can actually serve as an opportunity to learn more about your partner. 

Disagreements can sometimes stem from opposing values, morals, and opinions. When we slow down and break free of trying to figure out who’s right vs. who’s wrong, we can increase our understanding of our partner and learn more about their thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it is less about whose turn it is to wash the dishes that week and more about feeling like your efforts to care for the home go unnoticed. As we learn more about the values our partners hold, empathy and understanding will naturally follow.

image 13

Reason 2: Disagreements Now Can Prevent Resentment Later.  

Even if it’s not intentional, avoiding conflict can lead to resentment. Sure, we avoid it because we don’t want to experience discomfort, but that doesn’t mean the issue will go away automatically. 

Let’s say that finances have been uncomfortable to talk about. Whether it’s about who will handle the bills or how much money should be spent on a vacation, these feelings of uneasiness might tell us it’s better to push the problem for another day. While every marriage or long-term partnership needs to “choose its battles,” we also can’t sweep everything uncomfortable under the rug. When we use this strategy for every conflict, we might miss an opportunity to connect or get on the same page. We also might confuse “my feelings aren’t as intense” with “I’m over this issue.” 

With practice, being honest about your feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable, becomes less of an effort and more of your norm in the relationship. 

But when we confuse these ideas, we can be left with a problem that continues, feelings that build, and unspoken thoughts showing up as anger. Whether it’s with a snide remark about something unrelated or pulling away from your partner when they reach for your hand, it can be confusing because the real problem may be a discussion that has not happened yet. On the other hand, if we are being honest about our feelings, what is bothering us, and why something bothers us, we interrupt this process of building resentment and allow for healthy communication. With practice, this becomes less of an effort and more of your norm in the relationship. 

image 14

Reason 3: In any relationship there is space to agree to disagree. 

You might have heard from your friends, social media, or even your family members, that a great partner is one that “completes” you and you should both be aligned on every aspect of life. I’m here to tell you that as beautiful as that sounds, it can’t be further from the truth. A healthy, loving connection isn’t about two people making each other whole; it’s about two people learning to share their lives and make room for each other without losing who they are individually. When we begin to incorporate this mentality into relationships, we create a space where love can truly grow and prosper without losing sight of who you were before the relationship started. 

Of course, that is sometimes easier said than done. A great first step is to simply acknowledge that part of being in a loving and connected partnership involves some level of disagreement. When you have two different individuals who love and respect each other, the goal is not to complete each other, but to complement each other. In Psychology, we call this interdependence. 

Interdependence allows us to have our own interests, our own identity, and still support our partner so that we can find balance between the “me” and the “we” of partnership. 

In any healthy and happy relationship, we are speaking up for our own needs and being transparent about how we like to receive love and gratitude while listening with an open mind and practicing empathy and patience. At the same time, we are ensuring that we make the effort to meet our partner’s needs too. This way, we continue to grow as an individual, form our own thoughts, while we make space to hear what our partner’s viewpoints are too.

So what does this actually look like? You might be someone who likes alone time after work hours to decompress from the day, to slow down before the evening’s routine. Instead of expecting your partner to read your mind and know automatically that you need some “me time”, try telling your partner that you love them and love quality time with them. *And* you also need an hour to unwind after work. Acknowledging and communicating your own needs, respectively, allows you to be more present for them when it’s we time again.

Interdependence allows us to have our own interests, our own identity, and still support our partner so that we can find balance between the “me” and the “we” of partnership. 

When we stop viewing everyday disagreements as a failure in our relationship, disagreements begin to feel like less of a fight and some of that discomfort starts to slip away. Instead, they feel more like a bump in the road, something inevitable… and not something that can derail everything that the two of you have been building. 

When you get stuck, remind yourself that you and your partner are teammates, not opponents. Remember to keep an open mind as your partner shares needs and listening with love and patience. Pause and refocus on the bigger picture. You may find that this pause is when those uncomfortable emotions start to bubble up. That’s when we want you to challenge yourself to sit and reflect instead of ignoring them. Some questions you can ask yourself:

  • What information am I missing here?
  • How can I help my partner feel heard?
  • Where did I learn that conflict should be avoided?

We can all agree that no one likes to argue and certainly, no one likes to feel bad afterwards. Even though we’ve explored these three reasons and have begun to understand how disagreements can benefit our relationship, the understanding does not negate the discomfort and both can be true at the same time. In order to move forward, we must listen with an open mind, speak to our partners with respect, and practice both patience and empathy. With enough practice, we can reach a place where desires and feelings are verbalized, and partners within a relationship feel valued. 

Understanding the purpose of disagreements can be one thing, but the skill of sitting with the discomfort long enough to see progress takes practice. And we love to support our clients and couples with this process.

AisleTalk offers therapy and coaching for your relationship’s biggest moments — from breakups and new beginnings to wedding stress, premarital conversations, and the everyday work of balancing family, life, love, and loss. Even the most meaningful seasons can carry unexpected strain.

If you’d like more support in understanding relational cycles, conflict resolution, and getting a little more comfortable with the uncomfortable, we invite you to book a free intro call with our team to learn more about working together.

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