Ever been to a carnival with a funhouse mirror that makes you look distorted?
It can be hilarious in small doses, but can also mess with your perception of yourself if you stare too long, too often. Social media, like this mirror, can make us all believe that everyone else’s life is perfect…while we’re just trying to figure out if there’s a way to salvage our dark circles and lack of sleep. While social media can be just as intriguing, tempting, and addictive as this goofy mirror, it often leads to feelings of comparison, inadequacy, and validation-seeking (with a side of FOMO). But social media’s often not real. At least, it’s not really real. I like to call it the Netflix version of real life—edited, scripted, with a catchy theme song overlaid on top.
The Highlight Reel: It’s All Sunshine and Filters
Social media may be marketed as a way to capture everyday experiences, but it often features only the best moments of someone’s life. It’s common to see vacation selfies, engagement rings, or even the “miracle immune system” smoothie someone whipped up before work. While it’s perfectly natural to want to measure up to those around you and “keep up”, comparing your behind-the-scenes life to someone’s highlight reel can be like comparing your dirty laundry to a celebrity’s stylist-curated wardrobe. Spoiler: It’s not a fair comparison.
While unrealistic portrayals have always been prominent in films, TV shows, commercials, or even modeling ads, there’s something about social media that gives the illusion these experiences, bodies, lifestyles, etc. are realistic and achievable. It’s no longer just a supermodel or one in a million. Many influencers appear like regular people, and therefore cause you to think, “Hmm, should I be able to achieve this morning routine too?” You may see your friend’s picture-perfect engagement and wonder if your chipped nail polish means it’s not as beautiful or well-prepared. Or, your co-worker’s wedding photos just got posted and she looks cool, calm, and collected while you felt nervous during your whole wedding from all the attention.
It can be easy to get trapped in the cycle of measuring your worth against someone else’s expertly edited version of their life, but it’s important to remember that not everything you see on social media is real.
The Curator of Chaos. Code Name: Algorithms
Why does saving one Hozier cover make my TikTok For You page turn into a singing competition 10 minutes later? (Not that I mind!) The answer is that the algorithms on social media platforms try to learn from your behaviors to identify content that will keep you scrolling. This constant feed of sensationalized posts—no matter if it’s political chaos, influencer wars, over-the-top proposals, or questionable life advice–can make problems seem bigger than they are. Existential crisis, anyone?
This attention-grabbing content often highlights extreme or shocking situations, which can cause feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, or general malaise and trigger a fight-or-flight response. Constant exposure to these stories can lead to chronic stress, especially if you’re continuously scrolling through updates that make you feel unsettled or overwhelmed.
Unfortunately, with the way these apps are currently programmed, you’re forced to rely on yourself to manage your exposure. The algorithm isn’t concerned with your mental health—it’s all about keeping you hooked. If you click on one link to a wedding dress, you may find yourself bombarded with perfectly staged photos of dream weddings, making you question if your own plans are “good enough”. It’s your responsibility to check your mental health as the algorithm won’t do it for you. But don’t worry, we’re not leaving you completely on your own! We’ve included tips below so you know exactly how to do it.
FOMO: Fear of Missing Out
While the term FOMO (fear of missing out) has existed since the 90s, it really gained momentum with the growing popularity of social media and the use of #FOMO. Nowadays, FOMO is no longer just the fear of missing out on events; it’s the fear of missing out on the perfectly timed photos of those events. Social media’s carefully curated experiences can lead us to believe that everyone else is having more fun, making more money, or somehow, making breakfast oats look more aesthetically pleasing than we ever could.
While social media can offer inspiration and a sense of connection, it can also breed feelings of isolation and frustration when we’re comparing our behind-the-scenes experiences to someone else’s polished reality. You might start wondering if your wedding isn’t as spectacular as someone else’s, or if you’re not attending enough events to make your Instagram feed look as glamorous as theirs. But, it’s important to remember that people rarely share the ordinary, mundane moments—the stress, the doubts, or the boring.
Seeking Validation: The Quest for Likes, Comments, and Self-Worth
Social media has turned us into “like”-hungry creatures, feeding off the dopamine rush of reactions, comments, and shares. In some ways, this may be the adult version of receiving a gold star at school and receiving a little burst of satisfaction or pride. Unfortunately, this can also lead to frequently checking your phone after posting to see the reaction from your followers. The problem arises when the post engagement doesn’t meet our expectations, whether it’s getting fewer ‘likes’ than our last post received or less enthusiastic comments on your wedding photos compared to a friend’s. This constant comparison and validation-seeking can feel like trying to chase the “perfect” standard—causing unnecessary stress, anxiety, and even lowering self-esteem.
So, what do we do?
- Curate Your Feed Like It’s Your Favorite Spa: Step 1. Start noticing how you feel when you scroll. Pay attention to which accounts or posts change your stress levels (for better or for worse). If it’s causing you more anxiety than joy, it might be time to unfollow accounts that don’t align with your vibe. Step 2. Clean up your feed and accounts to only allow for those that inspire, educate, and uplift—not just those who make you feel like you need to level up.
- Take Social Media Vacations: Treat it like a beach escape—time to unplug and focus on you (without the pressure of knowing what your ex is eating for lunch).
- Mindfulness Over Metrics: Be mindful to focus on the positive and meaningful aspects of social media rather than the metrics (likes, follows, shares). This might look like using social media to foster connection; instead of just scrolling past a long-time friend’s new post, take the moment to reach out and reconnect. Alternatively, you might follow an art account and use it as inspiration to get in touch with your creative side. Or, sometimes it’s about practicing the self-control of putting the phone down. Consider putting screen time limits on certain apps to keep yourself accountable.
- Repeat After Me: Validation starts on the inside. Likes do not determine my worth. I’m awesome even if my last post didn’t get a single comment. My life can be fulfilling even without photo proof.
Social media can be a tool for sharing your stories or getting recipe inspiration, but it is not the whole story. In moderation, it can be fun and informative. In large doses, it can be the express train to worrying that your special day won’t match up to Vogue Weddings. Couples often share their picture-perfect moments, but behind those photos, there are challenges and imperfections that are specifically left out. Comparing your own “real” wedding journey to the highlight reels of others can lead to unnecessary stress and disappointment. Instead of following social media trends, focus on what makes you feel most comfortable and brings you real joy, whether it’s living a real life or planning a real wedding. Remember, the best experiences are those that feel authentic to you, not one that checks off boxes from a social media checklist!
Looking for some help with managing social comparison? Reach out to the AisleTalk team today to book an intro call and see if therapy can help.