A Nearlywed and Newlywed Survival Guide for Navigating Holiday Stress – with love from AisleTalk

If you’re engaged during this time of year, you might be feeling the holidays are slightly less cheery than you’re used to. If so, you’re not alone. This blog post, inspired by last year’s December newsletter, is dedicated to helping you unpack (unwrap?) why that is, and give you a few tools on how to deal over the next few weeks if you’re feeling the event and engagement season stress.

The first question we need to answer is: How did we get here? Why exactly is it hard to find my holiday excitement when I “should” already be riding the high of wedding planning excitement? 

Well, if you’re just meeting me and I haven’t said it to you before, let this be your official wedding therapist-endorsed truth bomb:

The truth about both weddings and holidays is that neither of these things are *actually* [exclusively] cheerful.

Yes, you heard right. In fact, most people experience a lot of stress, overwhelm, grief, sadness, and anxiety during the holidays. No matter what the commercials and holiday specials suggest. Similarly, the same thing happens when you’re planning a wedding. The two time periods mirror each other in their expectation of cheer/bliss/happiness vs. the reality: a lot of things going on at the moment. 

But let’s dive deeper: Why Is Holiday Stress So Intense When You’re Engaged?

Wedding Budgets + Holiday Budgest = Double the Financial Stress

If you’ve planned a wedding or have gotten started on your planning, one of the first things you learned was how damn expensive they are. You know what else is expensive? Holidays. Gift giving, plane tickets, new outfits, decorations, special dinners and parties, prepping for hosting, delicious ingredients for your potluck contribution… it all. adds. up. So two of life’s most expensive times converging? Yeah.. that’s stressful.

Holiday Time Demands vs. Wedding To-Do Lists

Another resource that wedding planning fiancés and holiday celebrators everywhere are short on? TIME. The list of appointments, task items, choices, tastings, fittings for wedding planning is endless. You’re likely not just doing all of this for the big day, but all the mini-big day(s) before it – bachelor and bachelorette parties/trips, bridal showers, engagements parties, etc. If you’re not careful, planning, organizing and orchestrating all these moments can become a full-time job. Then tack on extra trips to visit family, a holiday potluck dinner here, a work secret santa obligation there, and special night out for NYE and you might find yourself scratching your head while looking at your calendar, wondering if yours has fewer days than other peoples’…As a bonus in the “time” category, you also may be frustrated as you try to use your own time to off cross things off your to-do list, only to find that you can’t make much progress because your vendors are taking time off, shipping delays are rampant, or offices are closed for grownup winter break. 

Emotional Exhaustion From Family Questions and Expectations

Holidays mean more time with family and friends than the regular parts of the year. And for engaged folks planning a wedding, that means more opportunities for questions and/or input about their wedding decisions. For some people, this is a welcome opportunity to get advice, support, and suggestions. For others, these questions and input are often unsolicited and exacerbate already-tense family time. Or if wedding planning is a stressful topic for you, you may not wanting be talking about it when you’re trying to enjoy the holidays.  

Identity Shifts and Life Transitions That Add Pressure

“Life transition” is the term that we in the psychology field use to describe a moment in someone’s life when they move from one life chapter to another. Like graduating from college, moving to a new city, or becoming a parent – Marriage is a life transition that marks a change in oneself as an individual, a partner, and a member of a family. It’s a “liminal” state where you’re transitioning into the person you’re becoming and with it, so do parts of your identity. How might we experience this as an engaged person during the holidays? Well, you might be facing a difficult decision for the first time about whose family to spend holidays with… or you might find that when you were dating it was fine to spend holidays separately, but you feel a different sense of obligation or desire to stick together now that you’re engaged. You might gift differently, spend money and time differently, be asked to meet new important people in your fiancé’s hometown, or enter into an inner circle you never knew existed before you guys decided to make things official.These conundrums aren’t specific to being engaged. On the contrary, they actually continue for the rest of married life to some degree. But for many brides and grooms, they might be feeling the pressure of this change for the first time or in more of an intense way. With the undercurrent of “I (or “they”) better get this right or I’m/we’re in for a long road ahead!

So, what do we do? 

1. Validate Your Feelings and Acknowledge the Stress

If nothing else, I hope my note above shows you just how much you’re contending with. I hope it allows you to give yourself some grace to be stressed and not question why you’re stressed when you should be “merry” and your “happiest.” I hope you can read this and give yourself the much needed validation I would give to you if I was sitting across from you in the therapy room or over coffee – “of course you’re stressed! Look at all you have going on.” It. Makes. Sense.

2. Set Clear and Healthy Boundaries With Loved Ones

Especially around the holidays, “boundary-setting” can sound like a four letter word. But the way I see it, it’s the only way to find joy, peace, merriment, and connection in the whole experience. For instance, if you, begrudgingly, and against the advice of your bank account, decide to book a trip to see the family for the holidays when you’d feel a lot better saving that money for last minute wedding expenses. You risk feeling stressed, distracted, and ultimately not connected to your loved ones during your visit. There’s probably some unspoken pressure that things have to go perfectly and when someone inevitably burns the turkey, drinks too much, or doesn’t do their fair share in hosting, you feel even worse about it because you overextended yourself to be there. 

3. Shift the Focus to What You Can Say Yes To

Instead of saying yes to something you shouldn’t and adding unnecessary pressure for things to go perfect, focus on ways you can be connected even if you can’t be there in person or be there in the way you wanted.If money is the issue, instead of buying that airline ticket and purchasing gifts, maybe it’s more cost effective to send homemade ones in the mail.If time is, consider shortening your trip. When you share this with loved ones who are disappointed, bring the focus to the time you will be there rather than the time you won’tIf it’s all of the above, tap into your strategies from pandemic times to think of creative ways to stay connected from far away –  schedule a virtual family game night and play one of these on one of the nights you “would have been together.” Have a bakeoff with the same family recipe from distant kitchens and have local friends give their full critique. See if your faraway loved ones will humor you by joining in for a shared TikTok trend, or Facetime opening presents together in matching Christmas jammies. Plan for the future: Write an IOU for the gift you wanted to get but the wedding budget got in the way. Make a plan for next year even though it’s 12 months out and marvel at how affordable the tickets are now! Talk about a special outing you want to take at the next visit as a “do-over.”

4. Use Honest Communication

You can usually find a very real, very understandable reason for your choice to set these kinds of boundaries. Reflect on it and then communicate it to your loved ones. Whether it be about budget constraints, lack of time due to wedding commitments, changing family dynamics as you shift into your new role as spouse, try to get to the heart of it and communicate it to the people you may be disappointing. If you lead with vulnerability and follow with how important your connection is to them, despite the choice, you may find they are more understanding than you expect. 

5. Remember That This Season (And This Stress) Is Temporary

The truth is, sometimes it’s US that needs these pep talks, not just our families. Maybe we’re having a hard time with celebrating differently, setting boundaries, or not taking the annual winter break ski trip. Remind yourself or them – whoever is feeling that disappointment – that this is only temporary; it’s a weird year. It’s a transition year. You will find your way back to old routines or you are on the precipice of creating new and improved ones.

Looking for support navigating the intersection of Holiday stress and wedding planning expectations? The AisleTalk team is ready to help. Start with a free intro call with a team member and we’ll walk you through the next steps after that.

For the new season, the new marriage, and anything in between: we got you.