What's your attachment style? And how can you use it to deal with conflict in your relationship.

Communication is an essential part of every relationship and even in the strongest couples, conflicts are a natural and expected part of being in a partnership. 

That being said, some conflicts can take a wrong turn and veer off course during attempts to resolve the argument, ultimately doing more harm than good. And while the aim of the conversation may have started as a desire to come to an understanding or resolution, these communication breakdowns may lead to couples losing sight of their original goal. 

Why might this happen? In today’s post, we’ll show you how your attachment style may be contributing to unnecessary fights, or fights that seem to get so much worse out of nowhere. Once you can better understand how attachment style impacts their relationship, then we’ll teach you how to work through conflict better and smoother!

Welcome to Couples Therapy 101: When we fight, we focus on where the gap in communication is coming from and that tells us how to fix things. And today, you’re the therapist! 

First things first, What’s an Attachment Style?

Attachment Style refers to our behavior patterns and responsiveness towards others in moments of conflict, intimacy, and dependency. Each individual develops their style during their early life experiences with their primary caregivers. The style adapted in childhood will continue to affect your adulthood in how you interact and communicate amongst close relationships. 

Which attachment style are you?

1. Secure Attachment - When a partner is able to seek support and communicate their needs when in moments of distress. They are able to manage conflicts in relationships by recognizing the need to regulate their emotions. Demonstrating their high resiliency and ability to problem solve.

2. Anxious Attachment - When in conflict, an anxious partner feels extremely distressed over the thought that their partner may leave them. This sensitivity often leads to behaviors to try to evoke additional reassurance from their partner, while also battling a sense of doubt in fear of facing rejection. 

3. Avoidant Attachment - Avoidant partners typically withdraw during a conflict and/or end up shutting down completely. They may also push away their partner to prevent others from perceiving themselves as vulnerable. While it serves as a protective factor, it can hinder and worsen conflicts.

4. Disorganized Attachment - For a disorganized partner, conflict causes them to push their partner away as they battle the feeling of wanting closeness but also fear vulnerability. Those with this style struggle with being confident and being able to trust, which can lead to many misunderstandings. 

With these four different attachment styles, it is no wonder why it can be hard to resolve a conflict. Each style has their own vantage point from which they can see the best way to resolve an issue. Where an anxiously attached partner may want to come to a resolution despite it being two in the morning, the avoidant one thinks it’s better to deal with it the next day and sleep it off. It can be hard to recognize your own attachment style because it’s often the only thing we know or have seen modeled for us. But these descriptions or the input of your partner’s can be a start!

So, you’ve figured out your attachment style, now what? 

Understanding the role of attachment in a conflict can seem abstract at first. You be wondering how you can apply this to conversations or arguments with my partner in every day life? 

Before you initiate a conversation, ask these questions to start with a self check-in:

• What do I need for myself and from my partner?

• Am I thinking defensively or offensively?

• Am I in a calm headspace so I can communicate clearly?

• Am I ready to discuss and process what just happened?

• Do I feel safe to be vulnerable after this conflict?

• Do I feel insecure, anxious, or confident to express myself?

• Do I need space or closeness right now?

A self check-in by asking these questions is the start to developing the self-awareness and empathy required to help develop new and more effective ways of communicating, connecting, and dealing with conflict in your relationship--starting with your relationship with yourself!

Self-Awareness

By identifying your own needs, you are also bringing to attention how your attachment style shows up in an argument. While your attachment style may cause more conflict, misunderstandings, or disconnection; it comes from a place of safety and familiarity, and a once-helpful pattern you have developed to emotionally protect yourself. The problem is, it may not be effective now.

Implementing self-awareness into a conflict can help one to be present in the moment. Observing what emotions you are feeling while you're feeling them will help you to process what caused that emotion. Sometimes when we feel an emotion, we react right away. This is the exact recipe for an argument taking a sharp left turn, escalating too quickly, or getting off topic. The self-awareness-slow-down, helps ensure you stay on track and on point; and helps you think through the best next steps. 

Next, add in empathy

Empathy is being able to understand and share the feelings of your partner; to be able to “step into their shoes” and understand their POV. 

Empathy starts with active listening. Bringing the focus to the intentions and meaning your partner is trying to communicate provides an open door to their perspective. Do this by not only “hearing” what your partner is saying, but by showing it, too: start by reflecting their words and emotions from their perspective, offering a brief summary of what they’ve told you and asking them if you got it right at the end. Allowing both sides to hear one another’s thought process without judgment will help bring validation, understanding, and trust. It also helps to slow the conversation down so things don’t escalate too quickly. 

Putting it all together

With all the work and knowledge that you’ve put into understanding what your attachment style is and how it affects your relationship with your partner, it might be difficult to envision what the result might look like. Earlier, we talked about how a couple might react to a conflict, let’s re-envision that again, this time with our avoidant partner and our anxious partner, each taking steps to move toward secure attachment with one another.  

This time, the previously avoidant partner verbalizes needing space to process and understand the conflict, but tells their partner they will continue to be actively present in working towards the relationship. Then, the previously anxious partner expresses patience, compassion, and appreciation for the other’s honesty. Here, we can see both sides are respecting each other’s boundaries and compassion about their differing styles in how they each respond to conflict. Despite the differences in attachment styles, the two are on the same page working on a mutual goal with the other’s interests in mind.

IRL, it will never be this quick!

It’s important to remember that growth in any relationship takes time, and both partners need to offer themselves and each other some grace in navigating these challenges together. While the progress will be gradual, each step forward honors the deep trust and understanding given in the bond between each other. Attachment styles may at first cause distance, but it also gives the opportunity for connection to build a foundation of resilience, respect and mutual care. 

Having trouble resolving conflicts? Connect with AisleTalk's team for personalized insights on how we can support you through an intro call today!