Beyond the Wedding: Unexpected Newlywed Expectations

“When are you getting married?” It’s a question I’ve lost count of hearing from family, friends, and well-meaning acquaintances. My best friend from childhood, Evelyn’s mom, brings it up to both of us on nearly every FaceTime call that we have. Especially now that she’s been with her partner for over two years. It’s like you can’t just be happy where you are, everyone wants to know what’s next, and the topic of marriage expectations steals the conversation.

This isn’t specific to me and Evelyn though. Across cultures, generations, and friendships, marriage pressure is nearly universal. And it begins far earlier than the wedding day. For some of us, it can even emerge before a relationship has ever started. For many, “settling down” is seen as the ultimate life milestone. Evelyn says to me all the time that she sometimes wants to get married "just so she ‘doesn’t have to hear Mom’s incessant and probing questions anymore." Little does she know…these expectations don’t lessen once you’re in a committed relationship-they simply take on a new life. 

In this article, we will discuss how at every stage of a relationship, there is some pressure to be living up to external expectations. And how we can relinquish ourselves from that pressure, once we’ve made ourselves aware of it. With the many voices that we hear externally to mold ourselves in a certain way, it’s your internal voice that matters.

The Quest for “The One”

For so many singles, there’s an unspoken (or spoken!) expectation to find “the one,” a life partner who feels like the perfect match. But for many of my clients, the weight of that expectation can feel like less of a romantic journey and more of a mission to secure everyone else’s approval. Not only meeting others' approval but fulfilling social and cultural expectations. Will my family like him? Will we want the same things in life? Am I choosing someone who ticks all the right boxes? Sometimes, the pressure to find the “perfect” partner who complements personal values, family approval, and long-term compatibility can feel like an exhausting full-time job.

The truth is, finding your soul mate isn’t going to be a perfect process. And, spoiler alert: your soul mate isn’t going to be perfect...(and neither are you)! Rather than trying to check everyone else’s boxes, the idea is to find someone who’s perfect for you, not perfect for everyone around you.

As perfectly imperfect as that sounds, the relationship pressure doesn’t suddenly vanish once you’ve found “your person” and decided to commit to them—it evolves. 

Life isn’t a linear line, while society's pressures and expectations say otherwise, your life journey is yours alone to define and follow.

The Pressure to “Have It All Together”

Once the vows are exchanged, there can be an unspoken expectation that married life somehow transforms you into a super-organized, wise, and confident person and perfectly smooth operating marital team.

But that doesn't just happen because you have new rings on your fingers. Any of these are great goals to strive for, but they're ongoing processes of evolution. Some days we feel more confident than others, some chapters we're more attuned with each other than others. It's all okay. The point is that even people 10 and 20 years into their marriage are still learning about themselves; and the bulk of that learning happened in those first few years of marriage!

This transition is all about figuring out what your new roles and responsibilities are, compromising on boundaries with extended family, and navigating ongoing communication differences. While society, friends, and family often assume that marriage means you’ve “figured it all out” and can navigate adulthood with newfound ease. The truth is, marriage doesn’t hand you a roadmap to life. It just gives you a co-pilot!

No one is supposed to know it immediately; it’s natural to spend time independently to figure things out. Growth, learning, and figuring-things-out continue, and that’s okay. It can help to see marriage not as the end of personal growth, but as the beginning of a new chapter of growth with a partner by your side. Letting go of the myth of “having it all together” can bring relief, allowing couples to approach married life with a bit more grace and patience.

Balancing Cultural Traditions & Family Expectations

Marriage doesn’t just bring individual and societal pressures; it can bring the weight of family and cultural traditions as well. In some families, marriage means adopting a whole new set of roles, from family event planning to meal preparation to managing household expectations. These expectations are often complex and deeply rooted in tradition and a collectivistic POV, which can make it challenging to balance respecting traditions with staying true to oneself, especially if you are balancing a bicultural family or traditional/modern values colliding.

Family traditions have deep meaning, and they can bring people closer. However, they aren’t meant to overshadow who you are. Creating boundaries that honor family customs while allowing space for your own identity is essential. This may mean having open conversations with your partner and family about what you’re comfortable with—and setting boundaries around what doesn’t feel right for you. Believe it or not, this process can actually strengthen family bonds by allowing each person to connect with one another’s unique perspective, or at least leave each person feeling that their boundaries have not been violated.

One of AisleTalk's favorite quotes about boundaries? "Boundaries are the place at which I can love both you and me, simultaneously."

The Pressure to “Be Happy” All the Time

Marriage is often portrayed as a constant source of joy, a state of perpetual bliss. Much like the search for the "perfect person" and planning the "perfect wedding," The perfect marriage is dynamic, complex, ever evolving and growing. Sometimes that means joy and euphoria and sometimes that means hard days and hard times. Real relationships are full of ups and downs, active work and nurturance. No relationship runs on autopilot.  

The reality is that happiness in marriage, like in any part of life, fluctuates. Building a strong relationship means being open to the full range of experiences and emotions—joy, frustration, and everything in between. Instead of putting pressure on yourself to be happy every moment, give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. This doesn’t mean your marriage is flawed; it means it’s real.

The Ever-Evolving Identity of Marriage: Balancing the We and the Me

Marriage is a beautiful journey of togetherness, but it’s also a space where your individuality can—and should—continue to thrive. One of the most fulfilling and challenging aspects of this partnership is discovering how to balance the “we” while holding onto the “me.” It’s about building a life alongside someone while cherishing and nurturing the essence of who you are. Marriage invites you to grow together—to share dreams, make decisions as a team, and support each other through life’s challenges and triumphs. But this doesn’t mean you have to set aside your unique passions or the things that make you, you. In fact, the healthiest marriages encourage both partners to continue exploring their own interests, evolving as individuals, and bringing their authentic selves to the relationship. 

It’s not about blending into one another but about complimenting each other in ways that enrich both your lives. You don’t have to choose between being a partner and being yourself—you can be both. Marriage is a celebration of the new transition into a shared life journey with you and your partner. It’s going to be a continuous, challenging-yet-rewarding phase of your life that will always be evolving. 

Imperfectly Ever After?

As you can see, relationships and healthy marriages aren't about checklists and being perfect - they are evolving, dynamic partnerships that involve commitment, compromise, and growth. They’re perfect in their imperfections; and getting caught up in appearances or the pressure to meet societal expectations can derail our focus from what's really important.

Every time we bring a relationship into a new stage - single to partnered, engaged to married - we can and should expect some level of growing pains and learning curves. It's normal. Everyone’s journey is different, and it’s okay not to have everything figured out. 

Let go of the need to meet others' expectations. Embrace your own timeline and give yourself permission to prioritize what feels right to you. Remember, the pressures and expectations set by others do not define you. By staying grounded in your values and recognizing your unique path, you can approach relationships with confidence and clarity, joy and fulfillment. Not perfection.

Are you finding it challenging for your relationship to transition from one stage to the next? Reach out to an AisleTalk couples therapist today for support!